See episode Threat Level Midnight

Michael: After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.

Dwight: I play Samuel, Michael Scarn’s robot butler. I wanted Samuel’s voice- [robot impression] to be like this! [normally] But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.

Michael: Dwight does not play a robot.

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it’d be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

Kevin: [as a hostage] Don’t you guys get it? Nobody’s coming for us.

Goldenface: [Jim, with his face painted with metallic gold paint] Oh someone’s coming alright, the only man who would care. [Goldenface turns in his chair, holding a golden gun] Michael Scarn. See I’m gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then… I’m gonna dig up Scarn’s dead wife, and I’m gonna hump her real good! [malicious, deep laughter]

Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Ryan: On your marks, get set…

Goldenface: Die!

Michael: Congratulations.

Oscar: Hey, you came in second. Not bad either.

Michael: I am sorry that I have to do this… [starts choking Oscar to death with an American flag]

Oscar: Huh…[muffled screaming as he slowly chokes, and eventually dies]

Michael: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. [Oscar blinks twice]

Dwight: He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?

Pam: You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families!

Goldenface: Ha! This is gonna show them [cocks his golden gun] that I mean business. See ya! [points gun to Toby the hostage’s head, shoots and Toby’s fake head explodes, the shot is shown repeatedly]

Michael: By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.

Goldenface: Sorry about your friend, Scarn!

Michael: The joke’s on you, Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.

Samuel: We’ve searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?

Goldenface: Hm?

Samuel: We’ve searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?

Goldenface: Hm?

Samuel: We’ve searched the wh- okay...

Michael: Hey Goldenface.

Goldenface: Yeah?

Michael: Go puck yourself!

Samuel: Noooo! [jumps in front of Michael to take a bullet]

Michael: That was not scripted.

Michael: It’ll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.

Karen: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? [winks]

Karen: [talking head] Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?

Todd Packer: [as a drunken man in the bar] If doing The Scarn is gay, then I’m the biggest queer on Earth!

Michael: No, no. Holly, this isn’t Ocean’s Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don’t care about how it turns out. What’d you really think, honestly.

Holly: Uhm…

Michael: Is it, is it because you’re afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you… to keep me grounded.

Holly: Not worried about that.

Michael: [angrily] It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don’t think it’s great than you’re basically saying that you don’t believe in my dream.

Holly: Wha- It’s your dream and you never even mentioned it before!

Michael: I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could’ve been working on the Scarn Nebulus.

Holly: Well why do you have to make a movie at all?

Michael: Because, if I don’t have this, what do I have? I have nothing.

Holly: Really, you can’t think of anything else that you might have?

Michael: I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.

Holly: I’m real.

Michael: Yeah, you’re a real pain in the ass. And I’m gonna go watch the movie with people who think it’s great! And I’m sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I’m angry, and I love you.

Holly: I love you too.

Cherokee Jack: I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.

Michael: Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.

Narrator: [in Stanley’s voice, a chair is shown with a gray haired head sticking above it] Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you’re wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. [the chair revolves to show Michael Scarn, gray haired, talking with Stanley’s voice] Well because I AM Michael Scarn. [applause]

Andy: [rapping to a montage of scenes in the movie] Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It’s a threat, a level, a level level threat. He’s the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I’m out!

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