- For the episode, see The Farm.
- See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
- Dwight: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[cut to talking head]
- Dwight: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
- Dwight: In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
- Erin: [after Dwight tosses dirt on her face] What color is it?
- Phyllis: It looks pretty black.
- Kevin: [after Dwight tosses dirt in his face] Yep. Acidic, all right.
- Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4”, at the end you were 5'1”.
- Oscar: They're a descriptive people.
- Dwight: We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
- Creed: I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.
- Todd Packer: I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a shitload of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.
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