- For the episode, see Sex Ed.
- See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
- Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
- Son: We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
- Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
- Son: We've lost friends.
- Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
- Son: We don't know what he does with them.
- Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
- Son: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- Dwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.
- Nate: Hola amigo.
- Dwight: Hola, tu es un bueno worker?
- Nate: Si, yo muy bueno worker.
- Dwight: Y el accento, donde are you from?
- Nate: Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.
- Dwight: You speak English?
- Nate: Yes, I'm really good at English.
- Dwight: Okay, good. Me too, get in the car.
- Nate: Okay.
- Dwight: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
- Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
- Dwight: Poor hornet.
- Dwight: I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets...
- Ryan: But if he doesn't?
- Dwight: He'll die.
- Kelly: What?
- Andy: Uhh, beg your pardon?
- Dwight: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
- Michael: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
- Phyllis: [seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip] God! Wow!
- Michael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
- Phyllis: That's no pimple Michael.
- Michael: You mean cancer?
- Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
- Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.
- Meredith: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore.
- Michael: It is?
- Meredith: Yup, just a cold sore.
- Michael: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
- Kevin: I know how you got it. [smug expression on his face]
- Michael: How?
- Kevin: Michael, come on. A cold sore is herpes.
- Michael: What?
- Pam: Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is.
- Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
- Kevin: I never seen herpes on you.
- Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.
- Kevin: You have a penis?
- Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
- Michael: Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
- Jim: That was like, ten years ago.
- Michael: No! It was like four years ago!
- Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six!
- Michael: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six.
- Dwight: No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
- Holly: Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this, you know.
- Michael: Do what?
- Holly: You romanticize things.
- Michael: I don't romanticize th...No...
- Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
- Michael: "He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."
- Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.
- Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
- Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
- Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
- Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.
- Andy: I'm doing this for you, Meredith!
- Michael: Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.
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