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Stanley: I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle. Which I intend to.

Pam: [pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.
Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Creed: [laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.

Robert California: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars worth of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep sea fishing equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby.

Kelly: Well, I manage my department and I've been doing that for several years now. And God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim: Your department's just you, right?
Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

Nellie Bertram: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Singular transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.
Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
Nellie Bertram: Oh...yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.
Gabe: How far away's the sun?
Andy: Uh 93 million miles...
Gabe: Shut up about the sun! SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!
Kevin: I think the puppet should've talked more about the alphabet. Not for me but if any kids are watching..A, B and so know...MNLO...P...(thinks for a second)...F......
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