Changes: Drug Testing Quotes

Latest revision as of 18:17, 1 August 2023

For the episode, see Drug Testing.

See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org

Jim: So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight: I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends, and by the way I haven't.

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?

Oscar: What are you implying?

Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?

Dwight: Do you know what this is?

Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.

Dwight: How do you know that?

Phyllis: It's labeled.

Creed: That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.

Dwight: No, it's marijuana.

Jim: I'm just saying... that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me!

Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.

Dwight: I would remember!

Jim: Well how could you if it just erased your memory?

Dwight: That's not how it works!

Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?

Dwight: Knock it off! I'm interviewing you!

Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.

Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

Linda: We test a lot of urine.

Dwight: Mine was green.

Linda: Oh, right. How are you?

Dwight: I'm all better.

Michael: I need clean urine... for the lady.

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

Kevin: I'd like a magazine.

Linda: We just need urine, sir.

Kevin: I'd still like one.

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
-:see episode ''[[Drug Testing]]''
+{{for|the episode|Drug Testing}}
+{{FullTranscript|25327}}
-'''[[Jim]]:''' So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight ''finding'' drugs is more dangerous than most people ''using'' drugs..
+:'''[[Jim Halpert|Jim]]:''' So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight ''finding'' drugs is more dangerous than most people ''using'' drugs.
 ----
-'''[[Ryan]]:''' I don't think Michael's ever done drugs...I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any...
+:'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends, and by the way I haven't.
 ----
+:'''[[Ryan Howard|Ryan]]:''' I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' [[Oscar Martinez|Oscar]] visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
 ----
+:'''Dwight:''' [[Oscar Martinez|Oscar]] visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' Do you know what this is?<br />
-'''[[Phyllis]]:''' Yes, it's marijuana.<br />
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' How do you know that?<br />
-'''[[Phyllis]]:''' It's labeled.
 ----
+:'''Dwight:''' Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
-'''[[Creed]]:''''' That'' is ''Northern Lights cannabis indica''.<br />
+:'''Oscar:''' What are you implying?
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' No...it's marijuana.
+:'''Dwight:''' Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?
 ----
+:'''Dwight:''' Do you know what this is?
-'''[[Jim]]:''' I'm just saying...that you can't be sure that it ''wasn't'' you.<br />
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' That's ridiculous - of course it wasn't me!<br />
+:'''[[Phyllis Vance|Phyllis]]:''' Yes, it's marijuana.
+:'''Dwight:''' How do you know that?
-'''[[Jim]]:''' Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember...<br />
+:'''Phyllis:''' It's labeled.
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' I ''would'' remember!<br />
+----
-'''[[Jim]]:''' Well how ''could'' you if it just erased your memory?<br />
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' That's not how it works!<br />
+:'''[[Creed Bratton|Creed]]:''' That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.
+:'''Dwight:''' No, it's marijuana.
-'''[[Jim]]:''' Now, ''how'' do you know how it works?<br />
+----
-'''[[Dwight Schrute|Dwight]]:''' Knock it off - ''I'm'' interviewing ''you!''<br />
-'''[[Jim]]:''' No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here - now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!
+:'''Jim:''' I'm just saying... that you can't be sure that it ''wasn't'' you.
+:'''Dwight:''' That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me!
+:'''Jim:''' Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
+:'''Dwight:''' I ''would'' remember!
+:'''Jim:''' Well how ''could'' you if it just erased your memory?
+:'''Dwight:''' That's not how it works!
+:'''Jim:''' Now, ''how'' do you know how it works?
+:'''Dwight:''' Knock it off! ''I'm'' interviewing ''you!''
+:'''Jim:''' No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!
+----
+:'''Jim:''' You look cute today, Dwight.
+:'''Dwight:''' Thanks, girl.
+----
+:'''Dwight:''' Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
+:'''[[Linda]]:''' We test a lot of urine.
+:'''Dwight:''' Mine was green.
+:'''Linda:''' Oh, right. How are you?
+:'''Dwight:''' I'm all better.
+----
+:'''[[Michael Scott|Michael]]:''' I need clean urine... for the lady.
+----
+:'''[[Angela Martin|Angela]]:''' Do you want to give Michael your urine?
+:'''Dwight:''' I want him to have all the urine he needs.
+----
+:'''Dwight:''' My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
+----
+:'''[[Kevin Malone|Kevin]]:''' I'd like a magazine.
+:'''Linda:''' We just need urine, sir.
+:'''Kevin:''' I'd still like one.
+{{Season2Quotes}}
-{{episodenav|prev=[[Michael's Birthday Quotes|Michael's Birthday]]|current=Drug Testing |next= [[Conflict Resolution Quotes|Conflict Resolution]]}}
 [[Category:Season 2 quotes]]
-[[Category:Quotes]]