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For the episode, see Drug Testing.
See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
Jim: So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight: I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends, and by the way I haven't.

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar: What are you implying?
Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?

Dwight: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.

Creed: That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.
Dwight: No, it's marijuana.

Jim: I'm just saying... that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me!
Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember!
Jim: Well how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! I'm interviewing you!
Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl. 

Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: I'm all better.

Michael: I need clean urine... for the lady.

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.
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