- See episode: Downsize.
David Brent: This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, [camera focuses on Keith] he's mental. Not literally obviously, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in accounts... This is the recycling bin. Obviously, we get through a lot of paper, we make a lot.
David Brent: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.
[Tim takes Gareth's stapler and holds it out of the window].
Tim Canterbury: You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool.
Gareth Keenan: Well, you won't, so...
Tim Canterbury: Well, I have, so...
[Tim drops the Stapler out the window]
Gareth Keenan: What if that kills someone?
Tim: Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it.
Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?
Tim: To stop people borrowing it?
Tim: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.
David: If a good man [pauses to point at the man he's talking to] comes to me and says "thank you David for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I want to better myself, I want to move on then I can make that dream come true to, aka, for you. The point is, you talk the talk you do not walk the walk, vis a vis, you have not yet passed your fork-lift driver's test.
Gareth: [Opens drawer] Oh, what is that?!
David: Woah woah woah woah, slow down you move to fast. Solomon's here, all part of the job. What's going on?
Gareth: He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. [Takes out a plate of jelly, which has a stapler inside it] That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.
David: Why's he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly, I don't trust the way it moves.
David: Yeah, you've shown him a weakness and he's pounced. You should know about that. Oh, what is in it?
Gareth: It's my stapler
[Gareth pulls the stapler out of the jelly]
David: Well don't do that! Eat it out! There are people starving in the world which I hate, so... And it's a waste. How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: It's got my name on it in tipp-ex.
David: Yeah, don't eat it. Chemicals.
Gareth: Right, you can be my witness. Give him an official warning.
Tim: [Eating jelly] How do you know it was me?
Gareth: It's always you! Can't you disipline him!?
David: Ooh, kinky! [no one laughs] No, the thing about practical jokes is you've got to know when to stop as well as when to start and now's the time to stop putting Gareth's personal possessions in jelly. Alright?
Tim: Gareth, it's only a trifling matter.
David: [sniggers and high-five's Tim] Here we go! Always like this!
Ricky Howard: You should put him in custard-y.
David: [laughs] He's gonna fit in here, we're like Vic and Bob aren't we, and one extra one, oh God!
Gareth: I'm more worried really, about damage to company property, that's all.
David: Trifling... [silence] I'm just trying to think of other desserts to do.
[Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk]
Tim: I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit...
Gareth: What are you doing?
Tim: I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth.
Gareth: You can't do that.
Tim: Why not?
Gareth: Health and Safety.
Tim: Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what?
Gareth: No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files.
Tim: Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.
[Mimes a throat slitting action]
Gareth: Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.
David : This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it
Sanj: I don't, must be someone else
David: Oh, sorry, it's the other one...
Sanj: The other what... Paki?
David: Ah, that's racist.
[Walks away, offended]
David: I haven't got a sign on the door that says 'white people only'. I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow - Orientals make very good workers.
Gareth: I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?
David: "I’m going to have to let you go first"
Dawn: "What? Why?"
David: "Why? Stealing. Thieving"
Dawn: "Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen?"
David: "Post-It notes"