- For the episode, see Couples Discount.
- See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
- Dwight: God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.
[aside to camera:]
- Dwight: I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.
- Nellie: I'm not going to rat on him. No, Andy gave me a second chance. So, the least I could do is let somebody else rat on him. Meredith, why don't you?
- Meredith: Meredith Palmer ain't never been called no nark. Floozy? Yes. Alkie? Check. Einstein sarcastically? You bet. But never no nark. Vomit mop? Sure. Floor meat? That's me. Flesh hoover?
- Erin: Hey!
- Pete: Meredith, that's plenty. All right? That's more than plenty. Why does no one stop her?
- Phyllis: Or the mini mall. They have all these Valentine Day deals. You can get 20% off if you come in with your husband or your [to Nellie] boyfriend. But, I mean, if you don't have one of those you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.
- Stanley: Phyl, I'll pretend to be your husband. I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.
- Phyllis: Oh.
- Oscar: Hi. We'd like a couples discount on a pair of foot massages.
- Manager: No. No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.
- Oscar: We are together. Romantically.
- Manager: Two men? [speaks to nail technician in Korean, both laugh; shows index fingers bumping together] Doesn't work. No discount.
- Darryl: Oh, it works. Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids. And we're taking our business elsewhere. [Oscar and Darryl walk out holding hands]
- Dwight: Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.
- Clark: [emotional] Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.
- Erin: I am really, really bad at break ups. Technically, I'm still dating my first grade boyfriend. I mean, we just had our 20th anniversary. And, I forgot to get him something.
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