Tallahassee Quotes


 * See episode Tallahassee

Dwight: Today is the first day of Sabre’s new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy… We’re already twenty minutes late. Dwight: Wake up! [ Cathy screams]

Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [ Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?

Erin: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.

Dwight: Stanley! Wake up! You’ve got to wake up, the hotel’s on fire!

Erin: Stanley, wake up, it’s pretzel day! Jim: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I’m up and at ’em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides]

Dwight: Heeeere’s Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.

Erin: What do you think happened?

Dwight: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees “IT WAS DWIGHT” written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn’t me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream] Stanley: Life is short. “Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.” That’s one of my mottos.

Jim: I would love to hear the other mottos. Nellie: Hmm, expecting a man as your Special Projects Manager? A man with a huge whopping penis? No, sorry to disappoint but I am not that person. Think of my brain as the huge whopping penis. So stop staring at my breasts- and start staring at my penis! Todd Packer: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat’s got nine lives, and a nine-inch... Dwight: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I’m a master hunter.

Todd Packer: Did you say “masturbator?”

Dwight: I’m a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that’s a master baiter.

Dwight: Philip... you are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms... please, you must kill Mose before he kills you! - calls another number- Mose... just a quick heads up!

Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?

Erin: [whispers] Convenience.

Dwight: Ingredients.

Erin: Service.

Dwight: Burgers.

Erin: Building loyalty.

Dwight: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson’s three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight’s pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I’m not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.

Nellie: Very true. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant’s brother, John Grant. He’s older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.