The Roast of Michael Scott

The Roast of Michael Scott was an event held in the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse in Stress Relief. After Michael discovers that his subordinates are stressed because of him, he lets all of them openly insult him to let off some steam.

Angela Martin
Angela is up first, and it's a surprise- Angela usually doesn't enjoy making others laugh, as she says in a talkin head. She starts off with lowering the mic, and then starts on a repetitive roasting spree with the punch line: "You might be Michael Scott!" These jokes consist of-

"If you have put sunblock on a window, then you might be Michael Scott!"

"If you ever called the fire department because your head is stuck in your chair, you might be Michael Scott!"

Michael and the crowd are whooping with laughter, and the screen cuts out to the next roaster.

Kelly Kapoor
Kelly comes onstage with a note card and starts to rattle off names of people she would rather kiss than Michael Scott. Michael's smile seems to be a bit less genuine this time around as Kelly ends her roasting period with "Anyway, happy birthday, Michael!"
 * A turtle
 * A fridge
 * Anybody from the Warehouse
 * A Woodchipper
 * Kevin
 * A candle
 * Lord Voldemort

Meredith Palmer
Meredith does a more straightforward roasting than the previous roasters and starts right away with addressing him.

"Michael, you ran over me with your car-"

Michael bangs on his drumset comically but not with extreme pizazz.

"You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross."

Michael starts to interrupt, but Meredith presses on.

"Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason to live to forget."

Michael playfully pretend-shoots her, but isn't exactly laughing.

Oscar Martinez
Oscar starts to shout at Michael in Spanish. Thanks to a translator, here's what he said-

"You give me an ulcer every time I wake up and I have to come to work. I have to come to work for you. For you!"

Toby Flenderson
Toby starts to totter towards the stage, but Michael won't stand for it, screaming, "Friends only, friends only!" Toby stops for a second, considering if he should press on, but then he returns to his seat.

Jim Halpert
Jim is next, with a nice introduction.

"Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. Remember Spiderface? Well, the quote was 'Cut off your nose to Spite Your Face."

This leads to jeering from the crowd, and Michael looks a bit ashamed.

Dwight Schrute
At this point, Dwight has enough and gets onstage.

"How dare you all attack him like this? Michael is your superior! You should be bowing down to him!"

Michael frantically tries to stop Dwight, and after being drowned out for a few seconds, starts to say, "Idiot, idiot, idiot!" Over and over again. At this point, Dwight stops and looks at Michael incredulously.

"Are you calling me an idiot? Don't you ever talk to me that way, you pathetic, short little man, you don't even have any friends, any family, or any land!" Dwight leaves the stage, leaving Michael looking like he just realized something.

Pam Beesly
Pam starts in an interesting way-

"I have something very serious to say here. Every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott, he's supporting about 20 Nigerian Princesses."

Through the laughter, Michael tries to say something stern, but Pam keeps on plowing through. "Oh, and Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself- Ever."

More laughter, but only from Dwight, though, who is holding down the fort well.

"And one time, I saw him naked, and his thing is so small." Pam trots off the stage, when Kevin asks, "How small is it?" To a reply of, "If it was an iPOD, it would be a shuffle."

As everyone OHHs dramatically, Michael stands up and, clearly unnerved, says, "In a professional roast, the roaster says something nice about the roastee when they're done. Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind!"

Darryl Philbin
Darryl starts with, "Mike claims that we're all a family-"

"We are, we are," Michael agrees quickly.

"Oh, okay... So um, who's that guy in the back?" He gestures to a warehouse worker.

Michael clearly has no clue, and Darryl is forced to reveal the answer. "His name is Michael."

Michael does the drum thing again, but it seems more sad than comical.

Andy Bernard
Andy is strumming his guitar to the tune of "What I like about you," But changes the lyrics to this:

"What I hate about you: You really suck as a boss. You're the losiest, jerkiest, and you're dumber than applesauce! We're stuck listening to you all day! Stanley tried to die just to get away, well it's true- That's what I hate about you!"

Now, Michael seems downright ashamed, and steps onstage. He tries to deflect all of the roasts, but just doesn't have the confidence and self-esteem that he usually does. After trying a few times to say something, he leaps off the stage and walks away into the depths of the warehouse.

Deleted Scenes
Kelly reveals that Michael dyes his hair. She also reveals that she and her sister went to see Twilight and ran into Michael at the theatre. She asks Michael what movie he's seeing, and he makes one up. Later, she sees Michael and his mom also watching Twilight.

Oscar reveals that the only man less likely to be married than him is Michael. He reveals that Michael is so dumb that he thinks "balancing a checkbook" is placing it on his nose and yelling "Look at me!" He also says that Michael invested in Enron (who went bankrupt).

Jim holds up a diagram of the body with question marks all over. He explains that the question mark over the stomach is a list of contents in Michael's stomach that we know of (At least 5 keys from a magic set).

Oscar returns to the microphone with Jan on the phone. Jan explains that he ruined her life because he has no sense of how to please women, he once wrote a phone message on her diploma, and that he used her daughter's christening gown as a bib when he ate ribs. Michael replies saying that there is more plastic in her chest than most people, referring to Jan's breast enhancement.

Aftermath
Michael is absent from work for one day, but then returns and roasts each of his subordinates!

Jim- You're 6'11, but you weigh 90 pounds; Gumby has a better body than you!

Dwight- You're a kissass

Pam- You failed art school

Meredith- You slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one

Kevin- I can't decide weather to do a dumb joke or a fat joke

Creed- Your teeth called. Your breath stinks

Angela- Where are you? I couldn't see you from behind that grain of rice

Stanley- You crush your wives when having sex and your heart sucks

Oscar- You're gay

Andy- Cornell called and they think you suck. Oh, and you're gayer than Oscar!

The roasting ends as Stanley whoops and laughs loudly, and the Michael's ties with his workers are now fine.