Branch Wars Quotes


 * See episode, Branch Wars

Karen: I am the Regional Manager of the Dunder-Mifflin Utica brach. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Michael: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.

Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Michael: What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?

Dwight: I’m peeing in this empty can.

Jim: Oh my God!

Michael: Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!

Dwight: Well you said that we couldn’t make anymore stops, and I really had to go.

Jim: Michael, watch the road!

Dwight: Hey, you’re making me spray!

Michael: I’ll kill you man!

Jim: Michael! Michael, pull over!

Michael: That is just so disgusting!

Jim: Pull over, pull over!

Dwight: I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Karen: I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah...seeing him climb out a PT Cruiser in a ladies' warehouse uniform...felt pretty good!

Karen: Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?

Dwight: Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

Karen: I’m taking Stanley.

Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground!

Michael: Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley’s head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving - all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius?...Sometimes I say crazy things...