The Return Quotes


 * See episode The Return

Dwight: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

Jim: I miss Dwight...Congratulations, Universe. You win. Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gaycation?

Oscar: Oh, that’s very funny.

Kevin: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left. Andy: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my “Lost” on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out? Michael: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.

Andy: Feel ya, dawg.

Michael: Yeah, do you?

Andy: Absolutely.

Michael: What did I say?

Andy: You said… [makes gibberish noises]

Michael: Huh.

Andy: Which is like, “Right on.” And Pam was like “blah blah blah” and you were like “Yeah, psht.” Nailed it.

Michael: Oh, no.

Andy: Oh, no. Michael: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy… just… there’s something about him that creeps me out. I can’t really explain it. He’s always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for “being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.” I don’t understand how someone could have so little self-awareness. Michael: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?

Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.

Michael: Really?

Stanley: No. Phyllis: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive. Paris: I don’t like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That’s all I got to say on the matter. Andy: Where is my FREAKING phone?!

Jim: You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling.

Andy: Maybe you’re in the ceiling! Andy: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football – Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we’ll hit the tiz-own.

Michael: No. I don’t want to do any of that.

Andy: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.

Michael: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You’re going to drive me crazy.

Andy: Fine. I’ll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy’s phone rings] Excuse me. And I’m also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it’s funny to steal someone’s personal property and hide it from them. Here’s a little newsflash! It’s not funny! In fact, it’s pretty freakin’ unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That… was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?

Pam: Yeah.

Andy: Sure? Okay. Dwight: You did this for me? [camera pans to “Welcome Back Oscar” sign]

Michael: Guilty. Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that’s what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I’m going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.