Biz Whiz

Biz Whiz is a radio show in Scranton hosted by Iris Black. It covers local business issues by broadcasting interviews with Scranton businesspeople.

Biz Whiz x Dunder Mifflin
In the season 9 episode The Boat, office administrator Pam tells the rest of the office that Iris Black, the host of Biz Whiz, wants a Dunder Mifflin employee to come on the air to discuss business in Scranton. Dwight eagerly volunteers, and gets ready for his call in the office's break room. At the last minute, Iris Black cancels her appointment, and Pam relays this message to Jim, Phyllis, Darryl and Nellie. However, because Dwight is in the break room, Pam does not have the chance to tell him too. Because of this, Pam, Jim, Phyllis, Darryl and Nellie decide to trick Dwight into thinking that he is still on the radio with Iris Black. Nellie poses as Iris with a convincing American accent, Pam poses as Sandra Mick, the foreman of an upstate New York paper mill, Jim poses as Bill Jackson, the Greenwich chief of police, and Darryl accompanies the three of them on the keyboard. In the interview, Nellie successfully convinces Dwight to take his shirt and pants off and tricks him into blaming company CEO David Wallace for the "stock failures" facing Dunder Mifflin. Jim (as Bill Jackson) tells Dwight that David has gone insane and kidnapped a mailman, and is holding him hostage inside his house. The plan backfires when Dwight decides to actually call David and convince him to let the mailman go. After the interview, Dwight tells the documentary crew in a talking head that he thought his first radio interview went the way he expected.

Transcript
Pam: [on other end in conference room] Please hold for Ms. Black.

Nellie: [Darryl plays radio show music on keyboard] And welcome back to Biz Whiz. I’m Iris Black. On the line we have Dunder Mifflin’s senior sales associate Dwight Schrute.

Dwight: Iris, thank you so much for having me.

Dwight: [On speakerphone] Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he’s not hands on.

Nellie: [As Iris] So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?

Dwight: Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.

Nellie: Uh, excuse me. [reading card held up by Jim] I’m being told by my sound engineer, Steve that uh there is a clinking sound coming from your end. Does your shirt have buttons?

Dwight: Yes..?

Nellie: [Jim mimes taking shirt off] I’m so sorry we’re going to have to ask you to remove the shirt all together.

Dwight: [Takes shirt off] Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-

Nellie: Oh, I’m so sorry. I am told we are still having problems Mr. Schrute. [Jim holds up card that says “Now Pants”] Your voice, it’s sounding a little feminine.

Dwight: That’s impossible.

Nellie: Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?

Dwight: [pantless] OK, how is my voice now?

Nellie: I’m getting the all clear from Steve, so Mr. Schrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic?

Dwight: [holding hand over phone] This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They’re not gonna "gotch" me.

Dwight: This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! [Pam tells Jim to leave the conference room] I dare you to produce one credible source about this.

Nellie: Well, as it happens we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sandra Mc…Sandra Mick [points to Pam]

Pam: [changing voice] Good afternoon Iris, it’s a pleasure.

Nellie: Let’s get straight to the point. Is your paper toxic?

Pam: No the paper’s not toxic.

Dwight: Thank you Sandra!

Pam: Unless it’s exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic!

Dwight: Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled! [Jim runs panicked into break room]

Jim: What the heck is going on?! The stock prices are plummeting! Are you gonna take control of the message or do I have to send in someone who understands the media?!

Dwight: Get out of here moron! [Jim leaves]

Nellie: Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to?

Dwight: uhhhh….no one.

Nellie: Did you just call Ms. Mick a moron?

Dwight: No, everything’s fine.

Nellie: Are you insulting my guests?

Dwight: [chokes up]

Nellie: The fallout from this morning’s revelation continues to mount, since Mr. Dwight Schrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%. Mr. Schrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. Can we announce your resignation at this time?

Dwight: My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!

Nellie: For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich. Where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company’s stock plummet and is taking a mailman hostage. On the line, we have chief of Greenwich Police, Mr. Bill Jackson [points to Jim].

Jim: [using black voice] Good afternoon! [Darryl smacks his arm]

Dwight: Please sir! Spare him. Please.

Jim: Uh, this Wallace guy is lookin’ at hard time. And we only know this because of what Dwight Snoot said on record!

Dwight: Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I’ve got a solution. I know Wallace’s phone number, everyone hold, I’ll conference him in.

Nellie: Oh, Mr. Schrute, there’s really no need to, um involve Mr… Wallace.

David Wallace: [On phone] Hello?

Dwight: David, is that you?

David Wallace: Dwight?

Dwight: Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?

David Wallace: Yeah? Are you ok?

Dwight: Oh, I’m OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.

David Wallace: Well, thanks Dwight.

Dwight: You’re welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I’m gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?

David Wallace: Dwight?

Dwight: Walk out of the house…

David Wallace: What?

Dwight: …with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you’re away in prison.

David Wallace: Ok, Dwight, gonna ask you to not call my cell anymore. Gotta go.

Dwight: [enters main office, group claps] Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?

All: Schrute! Schrute! Schrute!Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute!

Dwight: [joins in] Schrute! Schrute!

Dwight: Overall, I’d say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.