The Quiz Quotes


 * For the episode see: The Quiz.

David Brent: People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr. Spock?" Oh, I go, "It's like saying I've got a new pedigree dog breed. It's half Alsatian, half Labrador". I go on to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?" "No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct." "Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons. Now get that dog out of my sight." "Thanks, I will. You've proved my point." And that's Crufts. All right.

[Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay]

Tim Canterbury: We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?

Gareth Keenan: If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.

Tim: What if he was coming, really hard?

Gareth: Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.

Dawn Tinsley: And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?

Gareth: Either ways easy.

Dawn: So you could take a man from behind?

Gareth: Yeah.

Dawn: Lovely.

David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced." Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones. Just give generously to them all.

David: [picks up phone] Make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight - 7 o'clock on the dot. Six years in a row - winners. So, er you know - Finchy! Brent, all right? Don't forget tonight; Oh, here we go, straight away, go on, go on. What's black and slides down Nelson's column? Don't know. Winnie Mandela? Oh yeah, that's good. No, it's not racist. I thought the column because, yeah, and she is black and she's probably married... Tonight, seven, see you, bye. [hangs up]

Joan: What're you doing in so early? Shit the bed?

Tim: [laughs] No, no, I've done that for weeks, er, my mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present, so...

Joan: Oh, happy birthday!

Tim: Thank you.

Joan: What'd she get you?

Tim: Something you can wear...

Joan: The hat?

Tim: [Opens his present, which turns out to be a giant inflatable penis] It's a huge inflatable cock! God!

Lee: You can sit on that if you like. It's not just from me, mate, it's from Dawn as well.

Dawn: You haven't got one already, haven't you?

Tim: Umm... no, you can never have too many anyway, I think

Dawn: And you do prefer it to the money.

Tim: Yeah, yeah, I'd have only spent it on huge inflatable cock, Dawn. Umm... that is...

David: All right, stop playing with it. Did you get him that? Brilliant. [Takes it from Tim] Oh God, look at that

Gareth: Let's have a look.

David: Boing! Boing! [puts it on his head, impersonating a Dalek] Experminate! [Puts it on the ground] Hello Austin Powers, I'm the naked Mini-Me! [Puts it on his head again, this time impersonating Ringo Starr] Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town.

Gareth: Dickhead!

David: Ringo Starr [Gareth takes the penis from him] Whose Line it is Anyway! [Takes it back from Gareth] Don't take it unless you've got something ready cos that slows it down. Aww, that is brilliant. happy birthday. [Gives it back to Tim]

Tim: Thank you.

David: Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.

Gareth: I say that sometimes.

David: I heard you the other day, and I thought "Oh, he used one of my catchphrases" I don't mind influencing a young comedian - you're not a comedian - but I usually credit someone if I use their comedy.

Gareth: What ones are your that I use?

David: Same shit, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.

Tim: Wank you very much.

David: Yeah, I invented that.