Drug Testing Quotes


 * see episode Drug Testing

Jim: So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.p

Dwight I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends... and by the way I haven't.

Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs...I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any...

Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Dwight: Do you think it’s possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?

Oscar: What are you implying?

Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?

Dwight: Do you know what this is?

Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.

Dwight: How do you know that?

Phyllis: It's labeled.

Creed: That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.

Dwight: No...it's marijuana.

Jim: I'm just saying...that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

Dwight: That's ridiculous - of course it wasn't me!

Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember...

Dwight: I would remember!

Jim: Well how could you if it just erased your memory?

Dwight: That's not how it works!

Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?

Dwight: Knock it off - I'm interviewing you!

Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here - now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.

Linda: We test a lot of urine.

Dwight: Mine was green.

Linda: Oh, right. How are you?

Dwight: I’m all better. Michael: I need clean urine... for the lady. Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs. Dwight: My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he’d wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. Kevin: I’d like a magazine.

Linda: We just need urine, sir.

Kevin: I’d still like one.